5 years ago

i felt like such a little girl

that same little girl from 5 years ago

you looked so grown up

so different from 5 years ago

you remembered my name

i never forgot yours

i don't feel any different

from that little girl

and now its got me wondering

do you feel different

from that little boy?

 

the fiddle that cried over the man who died.

8 handsome young men carrying a casket.

seeing but not feeling. pushing the wet thoughts away.

being the outsider once again.

and not understanding.

how one life comes into our hearts.

and one goes out.

that's all there is to it.

for rob

you've changed since last we met

your eyes used to sparkle

but now they hold regret

for all you once were

for what you could have been

you think you know for sure

they say its not to late to get out

but your so far in

what now are you all about?

stop pushing that string

just let it all out

and give out a scream

it won't make it worse you see

 to pull a little closer

closer to what you should be

~someone who knows there's more to you~

chasing away reality

i can't seem to pull away

i just keep coming right back

yesterday wasn't as bright as i remember, because i knew it was coming

i'm not surprised, i had a feeling things would go this way

i know them to well, i know myself to well

i knew it wouldn't work, i couldn't make it

i didn't have that sort of power or control to keep it hidden

but oh how i wish i did

how i wish i could live in secret, knowing it was such a beautiful secret

sometimes i'm far to dramatic about life

but i always know

i have instinct, and my instincts were telling me

not yet

my heart was pounding so fast, my hands were shaking

i wish you had been there to still them

my fingers and brain wouldn't connect

i didn't know what words would come out

but i wish more had come

because i had wanted to tell you so many things

i wanted you to understand

 it wasn't right, it wasn't wrong

there's still hope, there always was, ever since we were twelve

i wish time would hurry up

i wish we would grow up faster, since we can't grow up together

i hate questions, i hate hearing them, i hate asking them

but one can't live life without them

i better get used to the fact that i'm not in control

i'm not in control of my life and the things that are thrown my way

but i'm in control over my heart

i'm in control over my smile

sometimes i'm in control of your smile

sometimes your in control of mine

those words are powerful, the ones you just spoke

two words can mean so much more than the effort put into speaking them

i wish my tired eyes would close and the dreams would come and chase away reality

i can't cry, i can't laugh, i can just stare at the wall and pace it back and forth

bright eyes stay wide open, wondering what will come next

but the heart knows the answer

wait

 reality isn't a lovely place, and i don't want to live there

because right now your not in my reality

present, past, and future.

that time when when you thought the past was past but in fact its still there, living in its own life.

you forgot about it for so long. 

and you can't help but wonder.

what if i were still a part of it? where would i fit in?

i couldn't bear being a par of the past, for i love to much what the present is for me now.

and i just wouldn't fit any way.

but its still there.

they are still there living their lives.

and i'm here, thriving in mine.

i just know i never want the people who make my future.

to ever become part of my past.

I'll Fly Away

Voices just keep on coming.

I can't stop listening.

I can't stop singing.

So many things I can do.

Time never waits for me.

I should really sing more.

Ideas are flooding in like sleet and I can't sort them all out.

So I carry on with the pecking.

Pecking at these keys.

They'll get sorted out one way or another.

Words are like complicated people.

You wanna know them, but it takes time.

At least its that way with me.

More beautiful noises meet my ears.

This world is so full.

I have yet to taste a bit of it.

Its tiring.

I want to conquer all those questions.

I want to open their minds to the truth.

I rejoice in the truth.

Why do they keep rejoicing in iniquity? 

Its sad.

But love hopes.

There's still hope for those clueless numskulls.

Those truly ignorant people.

Ignorant of the truth, and the true beauty.

The things they think they know. 

It would be so much more simple if everyone say things in black in white.

Its a fortunate thing.

Frustrating at times, but its the best.

There's so much more than Love.

The common misconception they talk about.

They created.

They are making worse.

Can't they see they aren't helping anyone?

They want to do good.

See these things running through my mind?

There's so much.

I always pictured my thoughts like desk files.

I always pictured God Almighty looking through them helping me sort them out.

Some things just never go away.

I picture things in really odd ways, but we all do.

I used to think fly fishing meant fishing out of an airplane.

I really wish I knew horses.

I have a horse.

I want to know her, ride her and be her friend. 

Do I not understand myself if I can't understand her, Buck?

Her she comes.

Its untouchable

You wish you could cry is away.

but it doesn't work like that

a complex maze of grey strings.

Your stuck

Where are the scissors?

its doesn't want to leave

neither do you.

It must be resolved

it can't leave like this.

your heart has a fast grip

those little hands stick out of the pieces 

grabbing for each other.

Holding on

Clammy eyes won't shut

it hurts to let them fly

its really weird, like calling yourself an albatross. 

Just strange.

sleep is the cure.

bright eyes remember nothing.

sleep on the wet ground

drizzy rain falls constantly, theres no end to this drury Mo weather, it canget one down.

45 more minutes, thats 2700 seconds, and I hate math.

But nothing can get me down.

I spread my wings.

Have fun?? It was a blast.

The pressure in here is like a fish.

I'm going going to be a sleeping pll for halloween.

My emotions are running low.

But I'll sail above.
All will be over soon, and I'll leave again, and not be back for a long time. Its all unseen again.

Again..

I was there, once again,
that place where I so often want to be, but its never the same when I finally get there.
                                                                I never know what to expect, sometimes I walk away from that place
wishing I didn't ever have to go back, sometimes I never want to leave..

Sitting on the staircase they all came in, I rushed to them, nearly falling down.      
           they didn't see me. I tried and tried to get their attention, it had been so long,
they had forgotten me. I wrapped my arms around them. It didn't matter.
                                  They didn't know.

                                 My heart hurt, all those days spent missing them.

                                           I was forgotten...

I don't want to go back.
                                                         But I didn't have a choice.
Sooner or later, I was bound on a journey, both pleasant and unpleasant..
                                                                                                        I had to go back.

Sounds of Silence

Someone asked me if I wanted to go to the beach, I would have to leave this minute, no time for packing.Heck yes.
On the plane we boarded, the seats where much larger, my whole family , some friends too, we searched for empty seats.
I looked out the window and saw an amazing wave of water wash over a van, where was my camera, I needed it. NOW. Why was there a clementine in my seat?
I got off the plane, it was still grounded, the workers were coming in and out of the big hanger. Dressed in blue suits.
I wandered in there, I knew him, the one that looked normal.
Passages, made of cardboard thin walls everywhere, I wasn't supposed to be here but I needed to find him.
This was fun, he would be mad at me, but not for long..he knew me. Who was he?
I could see his face, but I couldn't remember it when I looked away, I couldn't control my eyes, they looked were ever they wanted, I wanted to focus on his face, but couldn't.
My mom volunteered for the experiment , I felt deep regret that she did, as she donned a Mork vest she sat in the chair. Ready. Go.
I stood back, reached for his hand, he had his hands in his hoodie pockets. I found his hand, finally.
Couldn't let go. I wasn't scared anymore, his hand belonged in mine.
Who was he? I didn't know but he belonged with me, no one reproached us, perhaps it was the stressful situation of that child singing in the rock band.
Everyone's attention was on that kid, he couldn't be more than 4 years old. Strange, he had my hair. Long and dark..
In the entrance of the hanger we stood side by side, doing nothing, just holding hands, I didn't feel anything but safe. The sky was so blue.
Why were eyes always blue? I wanted brown eyes. Just a dream I told myself...but I could feel the seize of his hand in mine. This was real. But I couldn't smell anything.